Megan ◕⊱ ♥ ⊰◕ Aspinall

◕⊱ Megan Aspinall ⊰◕
◕⊱ I Love You Always And Forever ⊰◕

:¨·.·¨:
`·. Megan♥

◕⊱ MOMMYS STORY ⊰◕
◕⊱ This is the hardest story I have ever told ⊰◕

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I found out I was having Megan just before Christmas 2000. I didn't tell anyone until after Christmas though, just wanted to keep it to myself for a while. When I did tell people they were over the moon, and we soon started to buy baby things. Her first scan was when I was around 17 weeks pregnant, It felt magical watching my little angel floating round in my tummy. Her birth was booked in for July 5th 2001 and I couldn't wait.
Her pregnancy - (my 6th one) was relatively easy. Too good to be true from the start really. Just a little morning sickness, a lot of kicking, (very welcome kicks though) and hardly any trouble.

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◕⊱ 4th July ⊰◕
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I went into hospital at 8pm, ready to have Megan on the 5th. I was nervous, didn't sleep all night and was in a lot of discomfort for some reason, it later turned out that Megan was breach and in fact had turned that night. I was nervous as I waited to meet my little bundle of joy. Still the secrecy about what sex baby I was having, the Sonographer could never tell what I was expecting as she was always in an awkward position.
I have never liked surprises much, but Megan was a much wanted and worth waiting for surprise.

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◕⊱ 5th July ⊰◕
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Megan's Birthday!!!
I was prepared for theatre at about 9.am, Taken to theatre about 11 for preperation for her birth, I had chosen to be awake so it didn't take too long. At 12.16pm My little Princess was born. When I looked at her my heart melted. I had 2 kids but had never felt like this before. I waited for them to stitch me up and wanted to hold her, while in the recovery room I asked to hold my little girl, Her name was never going to be Megan, but when I looked at her the name Megan came to me and so she was named. I beamed with pride when I looked at her and didn't want any visitors as I didn't want to share her with anyone.

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◕⊱ 6th July ⊰◕
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Today is Friday, I want to take my baby girl home. I have visitors in and out all afternoon. I just go through the motions, meet them and greet them. And just wish they would leave me alone. I get to about 8pm and just want to go home. I get ready to take my baby home. I get myself ready to go home, the nurses fetch the doctor, who wont let me go home as I had had surgery only yesterday. I feel ok and assure him I will be ok when I get home but he wont let me go home, and tells me that I shouldn't be taking my baby out in the cold and wet night. I call my family and tell them to come get me as I am coming home. The doctor agrees for them to come in and talk to me. I remember Big Brother being on the television and Brian Dowling won that year!! My family come in and the doctor tells them he will let me out on Sunday if all goes well.
I remember feeling let down. I just want to take my beautiful baby girl home to protect her.

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◕⊱ 8th July ⊰◕
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Megan's homecoming.
Megan and myself came home from hospital today. I have waited for 3 days to bring my little princess home so as not to have to share her with anyone. We settled in nicely and all appeared well. She is like a dream come true, a perfect baby, so contented. All I can do is look at her and want this to last forever. At last I am a mother. This is my baby!

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◕⊱ 9th July ⊰◕
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I take Megan to town today, I didn't know what sex baby I was having so I am quite excited to be going to buy her little girl clothes. I wait for the Midwife to come in then sneak out. I feel ok so I guess an hour in the local shopping centre wont hurt anyone. Megan is all snuggled up in her new pram, so I cant see any harm in taking her out.
She takes to the first outing quite well. She gets quite spoiled, and I am in my glory shopping for my baby. I go and get a few bits for the other 2 so as they don't feel left out. Even to this day if I buy 1 child I buy all 3!
Everyone thinks I am daft to go out so soon after surgery, but I didn't push myself and feel so good for the first time in years. So I guessed it didn't do anyone any harm.

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◕⊱ July ⊰◕
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I take to being a mother of 3 better than I thought I would. Although the other 2 remain daddy's children.
Megan remains to be MY child. I lie awake at night and know the feeling that a mother should have when she has her first child. Although Megan is my 3rd child, this feeling is very very new to me.
I pray that nothing or no-one will hurt her, but deep down I get the feeling she wont stay very long. I still to this day don't know why I think this. But it is always there. I can never see her going to school, or getting her first pair of shoes. And I cant seem to shake it off. I share my feelings but they are dismissed as being over protective.
I don't even want to take her out and share her like most mothers do when they have a newborn. I want to keep her all to myself.
I do take her into town a couple more times and even take her to the park. Although she cant play on anything I just want her to see that I can be a good mummy for her. I guess the feelings she wouldn't stay played a part in this, I wanted her to see everything.

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◕⊱ August ⊰◕
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I take Megan on a trip with the other 2 to a theme park, The American Adventure Park. I know she is too young, but I cant leave her at home, this is a family trip and she is MY family. She spends the day in and out of her buggy. I show her all the sights. I remember her looking at me and me thinking you have no idea what I am showing you! But the fact I have her with me means more to me than anything. Haydn and Rhianna enjoy themselves, they are panning for gold and come and show me and Megan all the gold they have found. Then they come show us there medals they get in exchange for the gold. Although they have both kept a little bit of gold as they think it is real!! Rhianna puts her medal on your pram, and says you can look after it for her. She is such a kind girl when she wants to be!
We buy her a princess teddy to hang on her pram, (I still have this princess) and we buy her a zipper with her name on (I still have this too).
On the way home She falls ill. I try and feed her and she has some sort of attack where she is struggling to breathe, someone said she had taken her milk down the wrong way and it was quite common, I am glad that this episode was seen by someone and she managed to ease my fear that there was something wrong with Megan. I had taken her to the doctors about these episodes but they doctor said Megan had reflux. Now someone had actually seen an episode and said the same thing I was put at ease, perhaps a little too easily. I gave her the medicine that the doctor had given us for reflux and She seemed to calm down. This further adds to the easing of my mind that the medicine is working. I hate the fact to this day that I allowed my mind so easily to be put at ease. I had visited the doctor with Megan numerous times, I trusted them with what they were saying about her. I still don't know why.

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◕⊱ 23rd August ⊰◕
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Today I leave Megan with a friend - Jenny, so I can go into the shopping centre and get my 2 children uniforms for school. I cant seem to get her to drink and leave special instructions with Jenny to try and force food into her. Jenny herself has a child - Declan, so she is quite capable of looking after a child and has looked after the other 2 previously.
I remember buying Megan a red buggy today, to take her into town more often and not have to leave her with a friend or relative.
I return home a couple of hours later and Jenny tells me she has been golden. I knew she would be though. My perfect Angel. Although she couldn't get her to drink her bottles for love nor money she said.
Her little boy was brilliant with Megan and was so gentle with her. I say thank you for having her, although she was thrilled to be looking after a little girl..she now has her own little princess (Keira). and another little monster (Bailey).

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◕⊱ 24th August ⊰◕
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I get up today determined to find out if my baby girl is ok. She is still in bed at 10am and hasn't had a bottle for 8 hours. I get my 2 children ready for summer school and ring the clinic for advice. I speak to a health visitor who tells me that my baby needs to see a doctor. I call the GP and he sees her. He tells me there is something wrong with Megan but he doesn't know what it is. So he sends her to the local hospital for further tests. Once there they say there is nothing wrong with her and want to discharge her. I ask them if i can feed her and they say yes. I ask them to watch what happens when i try to feed her and then it all goes wrong. Her SATS dropped through the floor and they admit her to ICU. They do lots of tests and come to me later on and tell me they suspect that she has something wrong with her heart.

◕⊱ Friday evening ⊰◕
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The doctor comes to me and tells me that she thinks Megan has got a hole in her heart that needs mending. I am not to worry (?) and that they are just doing a heart trace now to see whats happening. They leave me in the dark about everything until she comes back to me and tells me she needs transferring to Birmingham ASAP. I later find out that Dr Miller was worried as soon as he saw the trace. I spend a restless night with her on ICU and she appears relaxed and sleeps well.

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◕⊱ 25th August ⊰◕
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Megan is transferred today to Birmingham for further investigations. After about 4 hours of different tests the doctor takes me to a room and tells me that Megan is seriously ill and in order to survive she needs an operation. She has a rare heart condition - ALCAPA (Anomalous origin of the left coronary artery arising from the pulmonary artery) it is a rare but serious congenital anomaly and surgery is her only hope.
However they have no ICU beds here so they look for a different hospital that can take her. They find The Glenfield in Leicester can take her, so is transferred again. I have to leave my daughter for the first time in 7 weeks as she had to go alone in the ambulance as she needed so many medical staff with her. 2 staff members from The Glenfield arrive at the hospital to fetch Megan, she is wired up to all sorts of machines and is put into a transporter ready to be blue-lighted to Leicester - about 50 minutes away.
I travel ahead of her so as to be there before her so she isn't alone with strangers.

Once at The Glenfield they do their own investigations - an angiogram is one of them and I again have to leave my baby as they think it is for the best. The doctor comes to me and asks for a blood test ( i don't know why - i just did it) then they sit me down and tell me she does have ALCAPA and he thinks it is a little bit more severe than first thought. However he has booked her into surgery tomorrow morning at 7am approx.. I spend the night by her cot and just feel like everything I have in the world is being slowly snatched away from me. I look at her as she sleeps - I ask myself does she know I have failed her? She seems oblivious to the commotion she is causing...and the interest in her condition amongst the medical staff.
The surgeon Mr Hickey - tells me that getting her through surgery at such a young age is a risk in itself, he is as honest as he can be with me. He tells me she is very ill and has suffered what amounts to a massive heart attack, I ask him how I miss it, he says it is hard in infants to tell they are having such attacks. I assure him that I did think something was wrong but she wasn't presenting in any way with blue lips or anything really out of the ordinary, then it comes to mind the attacks of COLIC!!!!! I ask him about this and he tells me this is it and goes to tell his colleagues...I can tell him all the times she had COLIC and he says they were all slight attacks that mounted to severe trauma to her heart. He assures me I did everything I could have done, so why do I feel like I have failed my baby? I did take her to the doctors about 18 times during her 7 weeks at home...in the end the doctor was sick of seeing me...and just told me anything to get rid of me i think. Mr Hickey tells me that in a lifetime a GP may never see a case of ALCAPA therefore they don't know what to look for as it is so rare...1 in 300,000 babies born with Congenital Cardiac Defect, have ALCAPA.
This doesn't make me feel any better, and i feel that i have failed my baby in some major way. But my main issue right now isn't looking for someone to blame, it is making sure my baby gets the surgery she needs and surviving it.

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◕⊱ 26th August ⊰◕
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Megan is in surgery today for nearly 8 hours, the longest 8 hours of my life, Her surgeon Mr Hickey looks tired and worn out. He comes to find me in the parents waiting room and tells me she is alive. He said she was on life support or ECMO as it is known and to be prepared for the machines. But nothing prepares me for when Megan comes back from theatre she looks so poorly, so drained and so fragile. She is hooked up to the ECMO* machine. This is her life support system and does the work of the Heart and Lungs to give her own heart and lungs a rest. My heart could break for her. The doctor tells me that Megan is so poorly and that her heart is more damaged than first thought from recent heart attacks. He tells me her one side of the heart is now muscle. This meant nothing to me until I started to research this. (once the heart has turned to muscle there is no reversal process and death is imminent) Megan is stabilised and for the next few days appears to stay stable. She has more drugs in her than I have ever seen, they are pumped into her through a driver...every few hours or so the driver goes off to work and pumps whatever they are into her. But right now I don't care, I sit and listen to the rhythm of the drivers and machines bleeping and just pray for her to be ok. She has an excellent team around her and I thank God for each and every one of them.

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◕⊱ 29th August ⊰◕
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The doctor tells me today that Megan has took a turn for the worst and that I must decided whether to baptise her or not. There are chinks in the ECMO* machine and they tell me this isn't a good sign, it is a sign something isn't working properly. I pray that it isn't serious. I decide to have her baptised and the hospital arrange for this to be done. My brother Nant and his wife Sarah are her godparents, and so Megan was baptised on 29th August 2001. Later on after she is baptised she appears to pick up a little and I pray that the miracle I have prayed for is here. She remains critical but stable until the following Tuesday. I remember it being a beautiful sunny day, every time i looked out of the window there was the beautiful blue sky. The sun shone down on Megan and she shone, My sister in law commented on how much like Rhianna she is. She is just beautiful. I stay with her throughout the night, just stroking her hair and talking to her. I had bought her a bear with her name on from somewhere and this was on her bed..often used to prop up the wires going into her neck from the ECMO machine. I wiped her face and put water to her mouth using a sponge, but to be honest the wires scared me, they had bought her round a little bit more for me - making her more aware of her surroundings and of me, she looks so beautiful. This period of bringing her round isn't such a good idea though as she can fidget a little and this makes the ECMO machine play up, so he comes to tell me they have to sedate her again just so the machine can work. I agree, I just want the best for her.

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◕⊱ 4th/5th September ⊰◕
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Megan is weighed today, as the medication is based on her weight. She has gained 1/2 an ounce, she now weighs 8lbs 3 1/2 ozs. She had her first poo today as well since she has been in hospital. I take this as a good sign, and she responds to me talking to her and touching her. Her eyes flicker when i talk to her and when i stroke her. We have a good day and all appears well. Even when the ECMO* machine chinks (again) there is no concern really as she has remained on it for so long. Tonight the ECMO king comes on to look after the machine...There was a nurse who we named the ECMO king as when he was looking after it Megan always did well. So to me he was a king! With a machine as complex as ECMO* it has to be monitored seperatley by people specially trained. So my beautiful baby always has at least 2 people looking after her, she is in safe hands.

My little boy wants to see me so the hospital arrange for him to come stay with me overnight in the flat they let us stay in. Megan appears well and after talking to the doctor I decide to go to bed early with my son. Before I walk out the door I walk to a nurse and say to her - come fetch me when you need me. To this day I don't know why i said it to her and she was shocked as well. I take my son to bed at 9 - 9.30pm and by midnite the is a nurse at the door telling me I am needed. I get dressed and the nurse arranges for one of the nurses off ward 30 (the children's ward)to come and sit with my son until someone comes to fetch him to take him home. I go into the PICU and they meet me at the door and take me to a room, there are about 8 of them waiting for me to go in the door. They seem to pounce almost straight away. I want to see my baby, they tell me they need to talk to me. The doctor tells me that she has collapsed and that they need to open her up to see whats going wrong, she tells me that she doesn't think there is any hope either way and i should consider turning off her life support. The decision is mine, and she advises me in her medical opinion what should be done. It is up to me in the end but if I cant make a decision then the hospital will make one to the best of their knowledge. There was always a risk whilst on EMCO that she would have internal bleeding, multiple organ failure or other complications. I have to decide whether to let my baby go in peace or be opened up again and messed about with. My father and brother come to take my son home, and they pop in and see me and just to see Megan one last time.
I spend some time with Megan, the staff are very good and keep their distance. I talk to her and I promise to go with her if she leaves me, I give her permission to leave me if she wants to go. I tell her I love her and always will. The pain in her face is unbearable. I decide to let her go....I still don't know to this day if this was the right decision. They switch off her life support and she slips away into the night. I watch my daughter become an angel and i don't know what to do. I spend the night with her, got her dressed for the first time in 2 weeks, wrapped her up and sat nursing her in a chair for hours. I laid her in her crib to sleep comfortably. For the first time in 3 weeks my little girl looks free from pain.
The doctor on duty that morning arranges for me to meet the coroner to see if he would like a post mortem done on Megan, and if he does she has to stay there, if not I can go and register her death and have her certificate done so has not to have to come back. I beg them that they don't cut her anymore and the doctor takes this plea to the coroner who decides he is satisfied Megan died as a result of ALCAPA. Her death is then registered in the district of Leicester and I get the permission to have her funeral ( a green slip of paper) I had asked my dad to arrange to have Megan picked up ASAP as I didn't want her left here all alone, so far from home, the funeral home tells me he needs this slip of green paper and i promise to drop it in as soon as i can or my father will. They had offered for me to take Megan home myself but they would never have got her back. I would have taken her home and never let her go. So the best thing was for them to go get her.
I finally decide to go home at about 12noon, I kiss my daughter goodbye and ask the nurses to look after her until she is collected. I don't know what to do as I have never lost anyone before. My brother comes to collect me and as I leave the hospital I know I have just left part of me in there with Megan. A part of me that I can never get back, she will take it to Heaven with her.
I drop the green form into the funeral home on the way through and tell him I want her picked up asap. He assures me it will be done tomorrow. I tell him I will go and discuss things with him then.
I then go home for the first time in nearly 2 weeks to stale milk and no bread, but i don't care, i just want to shut the world away and stay in bed. I do just this for the night at least.

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◕⊱ 5th/6th September ⊰◕
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I arrange her funeral at Thomas Ely & Sons. They are very good but have never really had babies at their home before. They ask me if I would rather go to Co-op I say NO! I want them to be involved and he agrees.
I want a simple service. No Hearse for Megan, she is'nt travelling alone to some church, she is to ride with me in a black limousine. She is to have an oak coffin with white silk inside. She is to be dressed in a pretty dress and socks, and has to have a clean nappy on. I want her clothes back that I dressed her in when she had fallen alseep and he agrees. He arranged to fetch Megan back on the Thursday 6th Sept, but he somehow didn't do this. I go to him and beg him to get her and he assures me he will do it himself on Friday 7th. All of her funeral is planned, he thinks I don't want an hearse cos of all the money worries, he assures me my father has said I can have what I want, and not to worry about the money. I tell him she is my baby not a show piece. I don't want a big funeral, she is my baby and I will choose. He agrees to whatever I say. I don't mean to be difficult, i just want something simple, and fitting for my beautiful baby girl. Her funerals planned for the 17th of September at Our Lady of Perpetual Succour RC Church..to be performed by Father Kelly.

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◕⊱ 7th - 13th September ⊰◕
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Life isn't the same anymore, my baby has gone. My days are spent trying to think where things went wrong, what did i do to deserve this?
The doctor is in and out, and I have a few visitors paying their respects. But to be honest I don't want all this. I want my baby back. I cant cry for her, i have no energy. I don't know what is happening. I do remember feeling so much hate for the health visitor who had been in our lives for the last 4 weeks or so of Megan's life. I had said to her things aren't what they should be and she dismissed this. I remember quite clearly setting a plan to make her pay for what she had done. But I had so many people in and out of the house it was hard for me to think straight about anything. I remember having to go to Asda as i had nothing in still, and just feeling so paranoid and guilty that i was out shopping while my baby lay in a cold funeral home without me. I knew from that day on that my life had changed forever.

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◕⊱ 14th September ⊰◕
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Today is Friday. The day i go and see my baby for the last time in the funeral home. I arrange to go to the chapel of rest very early before anyone else. When i get there the people are extremely nice, and ask me to sit down while they go see if my daughter is ready. I know they will go and take her out of the freezer, i am not stupid.
After about 10 minutes they appear and lead me into the room where Megan is. He tells me not to pick her up, do not touch her, and I think who on earth are you talking to? this is my baby not yours. But out of fear of the unknown i do as instructed.
My daughter isn't there - just a shell. My daughter is in Heaven free from pain and suffering. I kiss her and put her a letter in and some personal stuff and leave her. I cant cope with it all. I hate leaving her but what other choice do i have. The weekend passes in a blur. I don't know where I am.
My children had asked to go and see Megan today. But after much thought for their peace and sanity I decide to not allow this. I want them to remember her as she was at home, their little sister. I don't want them to see her lifeless body and give them nightmares. I didn't want them to be haunted by images of her lifeless body as I would be over the coming months. I wanted them to remember her beauty. Her innocence. Just remember the living Megan. I do however allow them to draw her pictures or write to her or put something in her coffin personal to them. This to me was important not only to them but to me too.
I think as children aged 5 and 7 years old i made the right decision. And if i was faced with it again the decision would still be the same.

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◕⊱ 16th September ⊰◕
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Today is manic, I rush round trying to get everything prepared for tomorrow. I have decided that Megan was too young to have a wake in a pub so I decide to us my home to thank people for their kind wishes and attending the funeral of my baby.

I meet the priest today who is to conduct the funeral of Megan. He is new to the parish and has recently been in Ireland, so i hadn't met him. He seemed a little nervous, and Megan was his first baby funeral. He suggested her funeral changed to a passing of the angels, and he insisted that the children were part of it.
He was quite soothing really, and spent at least an hour with us making sure we were ok. He read some passages from his Bible and left us to it. He said he would see us tomorrow and would make Megan's day as special as possible.

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◕⊱ 17th September ⊰◕
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I get up early today, as it is the day of my baby's funeral. I have help coming in the form of my Aunt Sue and her friend to prepare food and drinks for after the committal. The funeral is at 10am and her committal is at 11.15. The day starts off with a knock on the door, some flowers from a family member, it had been decided to allow family flowers only.
The car arrives at 9.45 and the driver has driven with Megan next to him.
I get into the back of the car and the children get in behind me. It is time to lay my daughter to rest. Although I am not sure I can do it. I know it is something that i have to do.
I know i sit in the church and concentrate so hard on the huge cross hanging from the ceiling so as not to cry, i then turn my attention to my son who wants to play hide and seek using my jacket. I need to take my mind off things so I engage in this for a short time.
Then comes the time to take her to her new bed. We take the short journey to her new home and I feel so sad. The sky is beautiful and blue again. Even though i feel nothing but coldness the sun is beautiful and shining so brightly. I stand next to her father as he lowers my baby into the ground, i feel numb! I don't know what to do! I see the boy who is to bury my baby girl hiding in the bushes waiting for me to go so has he can start to fill in her grave. I feel nothing. I simply just turn away and go home. I cannot believe that I have had to do this today. I cannot believe I have had to do this at all!
I go home to serve tea and coffee to people and say thank you for coming. i go back to Megan and just lie on the floor next to her. I want my baby back so much. I spend the next few days doing just this, lying on the floor next to her just wanting to be with her.

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The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of her name.
It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.

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◕⊱ 2008 ⊰◕
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It has taken me 10 years to get to where I am today, I miss Megan as if it were yesterday, I love her more than anything. But I am coming to understand She is in a better place and that she was just too poorly to survive. I wanted her to stay with me but if that meant she was in pain forever i think perhaps she chose well. I did turn of her life support and to this day don't know if i did the right thing, but at the time she was so poorly and had been through so much i just wanted to give her peace.

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Megan Was born and her birth registered under Wolverhampton district. Born In New Cross Hospital, Wolverhampton.
Megan died and her death was registered in Leicester.
Died in The Glenfield Hospital, Groby Road, Leicester.

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I thought I would put this helpline number on Megans Page as it helped me immensley....It is
~THE CHILD DEATH HELPLINE ~ FREEPHONE 0800 282 986
THEY HAVE A WEBSITE TOO:
http://www.childdeathhelpline.org.uk/

If you need someone to talk to call SAMARITANS on 08457 909090
or mail them at: jo@samaritans.org

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THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR THEIR SUPPORT, CANDLES, PICTURES AND TRIBUTES. THEY MEAN A LOT TO ME AND I THANK EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

♥*¤*.¸¸.·´¨`»*«´♥`»*«´¨`·.¸¸ .*¤*♥

*ECMO stands for Extra Corporeal Membrane Oxygenation. The ECMO machine is similar to a heart-lung by pass machine used for open heart surgery. Extra corporeal means ‘outside the body’. A membrane oxygenator is a piece of equipment which delivers oxygen into the child’s blood.

In fact, the ECMO circuit is literally a temporary artificial lung and heart for the child.

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`·. Megan♥
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